Asking Good Questions

A field guide

What to say when someone you care about is struggling and the conversation isn’t going anywhere.

What’s happening?

They say they’re fine, and you don’t believe them They start talking, and you want to fix it The conversation stalls

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When

They say they’re fine, and you don’t believe them

Try saying

Instead of

“Are you okay?” — which almost always gets “yes.”

Because

A closed question invites a one-word answer. A specific, open one shows you’ve noticed, and gives them somewhere to start.

2 of 3

When

They start talking, and you want to fix it

Try saying

Instead of

“Have you tried…?”

Because

Advice arrives as a verdict: you haven’t handled this. Asking what they need hands the conversation back to them.

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When

The conversation stalls

Try saying

Instead of

Filling the silence with a story of your own.

Because

Silence is often thinking. “Tell me more” asks for nothing except more of them — which is the whole point of asking.

A good question is an invitation, not an interrogation.

You don’t need the right words. You need to still be there when they answer.

This is a teaching, not treatment. If you’re struggling, a doctor or therapist can help. If you’re in danger right now, call your local emergency number or a crisis line (in the US, call or text 988).